Sometimes It Is Okay to Let Go of Hope

Is it really worth the pain we put ourselves through? Sitting, waiting, hoping that they realize how perfect we are for them. We willingly lend ourselves to them, we offer them support in their darkest hours and as they chase their deepest desires. However, at the end of the day we are without them. Where are they when we need them to most? Probably no where to be found, or if we do manage to confide in them, well, we get one or two words of encouragement then that is the end of the discussion. Are our efforts in vain?

Why can't we just stand up for ourselves? Tell them that they are hurting us? Say what is really on our mind? Why are we so afraid to lose someone who we know does not care about us as much as we care about them?

"Someday, someone will walk into your life and you will realize why it never worked with anyone else." An amazing quote from an unknown source. I suppose we just tend to hope that each guy or girl we meet may just be that someone we've been looking for. Then maybe this behaviour is a good thing? If nothing else it at least shows us that hope remains and are not completely void of the ability to form emotional attachments to others. Whether it works in the end is irrelevant, or is it?

It is good to believe and keep that hope, but when we realize that it just is not what we thought it was, then maybe we need to learn to let go. Say what we feel and move on. Such a wonderful thought. How much pain will we put ourselves through before we just can't take it anymore? There isn't a better feeling than that of letting go of what hurts us. We need to look out for ourselves and remember that there is a very good reason as to why this isn't working.

Remember you? Work on that relationship and the rest will come.

Escaping Passion

A wise woman once said, "Jump out the window if you are the object of passion. Flee it if you feel it. Passion goes, boredom remains". Coco Chanel, not only creative and elegant but a very intelligent woman as well.

Is she right? Should we fear passion? I often wonder if she knew something we don't. Is it just better to settle for the Average Joe who does nice things for you periodically, but does not fawn over you? I almost have to agree with her. Who doesn't like to be the object of someone's desire, but in the beginning if it is too much and over the top, well, it can only last so long before it starts to fade away or become annoying!

In my opinion, there is two ways to look at it: One, he fawns over you to get you interested and once he has your attention, once you are hooked, he stops trying as hard and you are left in the seat of the one vying for his attention! How is that fair? Then you are left questioning yourself, and confused and not feeling as confident as you did when you first met the guy! Two, he is just so crazy about you that it makes you feel smothered and uncomfortable and ultimately it pushes you away. Yes, he will do anything for you but is that really what you want?

Passion is good, but in managable, bite-sized doses! At least this way you can build a strong bond and foundation without putting all the fun and excitment and thrills right at the beginning of a relationship. Otherwise, what is left to experience? That is when boredom sets in and all the questions and concerns and the "why aren't we like we used to be" questions come in.

It is easy to say but yet we all look for that unbridled, firey passion that you just can't get off your mind. It is wonderful! But what happens when its gone? Or when it is too much? Foundations of solid relationships are not built on passion but rather the experiences they have had in their lives individually and together.

I wonder, is passion ever truly enough or is it only the truth of fairytales and fantasies? Ultimately, all you can do is be passionate about the things you do, the people you know and most importantly, be passionate about yourself and the rest will come. Don't rely on passion to create a lasting bond with Mr. Rico Suave. However, if you are lucky enough to experience unfailing passion, well then that is just fabulous, and if not, remember those wise words of Coco Chanel and just be glad that you don't have to plan your escape route!

Predator or Prey or Something in Between?

Is it possible that sometimes we are too out there with ourselves? I've always believed that one should never have any regrets therefore, let yourself be acknowledged, "put yourself out there!". After years of the same routine maybe it just doesn't work quite as well as we've been told.

I live by the motto of, "no regrets" so that I never think to myself, "what if?". Now I find that it is increasingly becoming more difficult not to feel like giving up, but then the thought comes to me, why should I give up? I understand the concepts of not showing interest, or playing games. I can't say that I am one for games, yet apparently one needs to know how to handle themselves to seem more desirable to the opposite sex, but why? Are we not good enough the way we are?

If we are interested in someone, we like them, why can't we just show it? Or god forbid we actually tell them! This has continued to baffle me. Maybe we get shot down once, twice, a few times, but it won't kill us! Why are we so afraid to show the other person how we feel about them? Wouldn't it be better to get this part out of the way first so in the end if we don't quite work out at least we didn't waste each other's time?

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter whether you played the game or not? Let's just stop playing the roles of predator and prey and let's enjoy the time we have with each other, no rules, no games. I think if we decide to just throw the rule book out the window, even just for a day, we might see a change in the way men and women ineract with each other. Why are we so afriad to show who we really are? I say come out with it, because if he or she doesn't like you for you then it's a waste of time anyways. The person you are meant to be with will accept you for who you are not for the games you play. So maybe it is good to put yourself out there otherwise you might get lost amoung all the other prey and you are too unique and wonderful in your own way to allow that to happen.


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Like Riding a Bike

When I look at my friends and I look at myself, I can see how we’ve changed. We’ve all been through tough times in relationships and the wear and tear eventually takes a toll on the person we are today. I don’t only mean just the girls either. Sure, men have broken our hearts, upset us, but I know women can be just as hurtful to men. I suppose what I’m wondering is, when we are hurt, badly, how do we bounce back? How do we trust again?

When you take a rubber band, for example, and you stretch it and keep stretching it, eventually it begins to lose shape, and sometimes it turns brittle and breaks. At the start it is able to bounce back right away but eventually it starts to lose elasticity. I believe any given person is this way. We try and try but each time we get hurt something changes inside of us. From what I’ve seen this turns many of us into cynics and we forget how to trust someone.

The harshest example of heartbreak I would say is finding someone we love cheating on us. There are thousands of cases that I could point out in this area but the story is generally the same. So they didn’t love us back as much as we loved them and they were too cowardly to tell us to our face. Now what? We are angry and hurt and in most we lose trust in the opposite sex. It doesn’t have to be cheating that makes us lose trust, there are many reasons. The problem is we carry on these trust issues with us into the next relationship and the next relationship as almost a form of self-sabotage. We dwell and we nit-pick on the little details and eventually we lose that positive, bubbly, outlook we used to have on relationships.

How do we begin to learn to trust again? Not every girl or every guy out there is out to hurt us, but why don’t we give people the benefit of the doubt? Why are we so scared to be open and vulnerable? So we will get hurt, it happens. We need to start looking at the bigger picture. They hurt us and yes it’s a hard thing to have to go through but stop for just a minute and think, would you have wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone who wasn’t going to treat you right? I am hoping your answer was no. So they why waste even more than a second dwelling on them and punishing the future men and women in our lives over something that someone who wasn’t worth it did? In the future we will meet that one person who will be “the one” but how will we ever know if we don’t trust them enough for them to be “the one”?

Sometimes we need to take the guard down and allow ourselves to be in a position where we might meet the man or woman of our dreams. Maybe we get hurt again, maybe we don’t, but if we don’t try then we just let them go because we don’t open ourselves up to the possibility of them. When we were little we fell off our bikes so many times before we could finally ride around the block. Maybe we need to unlock that very spirit that we once had, the persistence to just keep trying until we got it right. Life was much simpler then, we trusted unconditionally. Now we say life is hard and it’s too hard to trust anyone, maybe if we just applied what we used to know to what we know now trusting someone would come a whole lot easier to us. Maybe we need to be careful, but where do we draw the line between being careful and becoming cynical? Let’s open up a little and just see what happens, you never know unless you try, right?

The Friendship Facade

Those infamous last words, "let's just be friends". Why do we say these words when most of the time we know we don't mean it? Is it because it softens the blow or is it because maybe we fool ourselves into thinking that maybe we can be friends? Maybe we just need to start learning to say what we mean.

F.M., a guy who in every regard seemed to be perfect. Sweet and fun to be around not to mention good looking and very considerate. As most heros fall so did he, the calling and text messaging subsided and his behaviour did a complete 180. What was I to think? Did I do something wrong? Then I thought and was told.... why do I always revert back to thinking I've done something wrong? For the most part we all think this. Finally after some very strange behaviour on his part we had "the talk" and decided to remain friends. I always assumed that friends would see each other, call each other from time to time...maybe I was wrong but this is not what happened.

On the other hand my friend, who I will call Lambchop, had been on a few dates with a girl and decided she wasn't really right for him. So he came to me and asked what he should do. Of course the "let's just be friends" idea came up. The more I think about it the more I wonder, why do we put ourselves through it?

Either we tell someone we want to be friends or they tell us, but how often do we really mean it? Sometimes we just don't want to ever have to talk to them again or we say it because we just don't want to hurt them and this seems to be the easiest way. If we are the ones being told that someone we like just wants to be friends with us we think well maybe somewhere down the line things will work out or I rather have them in my life than not at all. We kid ourselves into believing this is the best way yet in the end we are left disappointed when we don't hear from them or see them for months at a time.

"I'm just too busy for a relationship right now, work/school/family needs to be my priority, but I'd love it if we stayed friends." Why don't we just say what we really mean unless you truly do want to be friends with the person! We could save each other disappointment and anger if we just could say what we mean. We need to move forward and get past trying to please everyone and keep everyone happy. It's better to be honest than to give someone false hopes.

It makes me wonder, why is it that with all the advancement in society it seems that this area of our lives, dating, romance, relationships, seem to remain stagnant. Let's try something new. Let's try being open and honest. Let's try being real friends and not just friends for the sake of hiding how we really feel and the fear or hurting someone. Honesty may hurt now but in the end it will save us so much more heartache.

Love Isn't Enough

We spend so much time looking for love, waiting for love, pretending not to be looking for love. Then once we have it we spend time trying to change the other person, looking to see if there is something better out there and sometimes we exploit what we have. Even if we don’t and we are genuinely happy sometimes love fades because as much as we like to think so, love isn’t enough. What do we do when love isn’t enough? Where do we go from here?

I always refer back to Ireland went talking about matters such as these. I was head over heels in love with someone thousands of miles away. Somehow, we made it work and even though we had our trials and tribulations and months when we didn’t speak our love was so strong that it last over the span of four years. Eventually things began to change and I realized I didn’t miss him as much as I used to. Those phone calls I would look so forward to became a chore and we began to fight, we never used to fight.

What I didn’t recognize at the time was that over time, while I did love him, we grew far apart and the distance began to feel further and further. I had many ambitions in life, many things that I wanted to do and see. I wanted to travel, see the world. He on the other hand didn’t understand why people would spend so much money on going to other countries and come back with only pictures. He also believed he lived in the most beautiful place on earth so what was the point in going anywhere else. I wanted to study, he didn’t. In the end I found that we had become completely different people and even though we loved each other it just wasn’t enough to keep us going.

When we love someone we tend to go out of our way to make things work but if we don’t see eye to eye on certain issues then there is only so much we can do before we get tired. In the end really all we can do is take solace in the fact that we have wonderful friends and family who will be there for us when we need them to be. Sometimes as much as it hurts we just have to let go because if we can make it through now when will we ever? People don’t change they only grow and if the person doesn’t grow with you but instead they grow apart from you, well then the best thing you can do is step back and let them while you move on, on your own path.

Whether we move on right away or take time for ourselves before falling head first again, we can at least rest easy knowing that one day love just might be enough, just with someone else. In the end isn’t what we are looking for something that is a relationship where loving the other person doesn’t take effort?

Love Thyself the Most

We are always so consumed by relationships, how to find one, once we find one how do we keep it, how to get out of one and what happens after all is said and done. While I agree that we do need to open up and give someone else the benefit of the doubt, give them the opportunity to show us who they are are. I feel there is a relationship far more important that gets overlooked all too often.

Of all the relationships that come and go out of our lives the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. Sometimes, well more often than not, we take this one for granted. How can we truly let ourselves love someone if we don't yet love ourselves. After a discussion with a close friend the concept of having a good realtionship with oneself seemed to be the answer we've all been looking for! Such a simple concept seemed to elude us and yet the more I think about it the more I see that this is infact the missing piece to the puzzle.

Most of the time we don't know what we want. We jump around from potential partner to potential partner and each time we come up short changed. The reason we are finding people such as St. Britain, After Hours and Channing is because we don't know what we want! We just expect that the one for us will show up and we never think that we may be the very reason for why they haven't come yet. We are constantly putting ourselves down and comparing ourselves to the Angelinas and Brads of the world. When we are not satisfyed with who we are or what we look like we simply just justify that whoever is meant for us will love us unconditionally with flaws and all. While this is true, that person will love us no matter who we are, it is only to a certain extent.

The one for us will love us unconditonally for who we are. Who we are should be someone who is happy in their skin. Someone who knows who they are and are comfortable and proud to be themselves. Why should we get into a relationship with someone else before working on the most important one, the one with ourselves? Could it be that when we accept ourselves and finally learn to love who we are is when all the questions about the opposite sex are answered? Is what we are looking for someone who is first and foremost in a stable relationship with themself? I think we are on to something. When they said "Love others well, but love thyself the most; give good for good, but not to thine own cost." maybe they were right all along and we just turned a blind eye.

Can we set aside our desire to love and be loved for a little while, while we learn to love ourselves?

The 21st Century Man

Henry VIII changed the face of religion in the United Kingdom for a woman. The Taj Mahal was built out of love for a woman. The Trojan race was wiped out by a war that was begun for love for a woman. Our history is litered with great men who did showed their love by extraordinary means. They showed their love in a way where we are still feeling the effect of their love being echoed throughout the centuries.

When I see these amazing things that have happened in the world's history I wonder, where did the old world sense of romance disappear to? The more I think about it the more I realize those men are very few and far between. If not only in my life but in the lives of those around me as well.

After Hours, a good looking guy, funny, good personality. The kind of guy who still baffles no matter how hard you try to understand his actions. My friend met After Hours one night and entertained the idea that he may actually be a good one, he even had me convinced he would be good for her. Then he didn't call, so we wrote him off. A week later she hears from him and he joins us along with his friends on a night out. After the night out he went back to no phone calls then suddenly he would call but always post-midnight. No to mention making plans, or atleast attemping to, but never following through.

Exhibit B, let'scall him Channing. He would contact me in the same way as After Hours would contact my friend, although, he uses the less primitive form of communication instead of calling me he would send me e-mails every couple of weeks begging to see me and professing he would do anything for me. However, when it would come down to it he would see me once then not contact me again for a few more weeks even though before leaving he would promise that all he wanted to do is be with me and want to see me everyday.

Men like Channing and After Hours baffle me. I have tried so hard to unravel this mystery along with my friends and we never seem to be able to figure it out. This is my cry to men out there.... please don't say things you don't mean! If a man tells a woman he will do something where in his mind does he think that it is O.K. to not do it without telling the woman. After discussing this with my friends and from my own thoughts on the matter we've come to the conclusion that a man should do what he says and if he can't there are ways of notifying us. It is the 21st century after all.

Men like Paris from Troy, Henry VIII and Emperor Shah Jahan knew they loved their women and they showed it in the way they knew how. When men like them could do amazing things for the women they loved then why is it so hard for a man today to just follow through with something as simple as showing up or calling. How is it that in the time we live in now, where communicating with one another has never been easier, are we finding it so hard to open the lines? Why can't we talk to one another and tell each other how we really feel? What are we afraid of? Why is it so hard to open up?

The Eternal Bachelor

We will call him Jaws. Not particularly attractive however, after chatting a little bit you actually do find what you think is a decent man. He is close to his family, he runs his own business and even picks you up, in a nice car, for a good old fashioned date. You think to yourself, "He isn't so bad, maybe I shouldn't be so shallow, maybe it will be a matter of falling for his personality...".

The date goes off without any problems and you think you may actually like him. Well, Jaws knows how to get to a woman. The come up behind you quitely and before you know it they turn into the complete opposite of what you thought. A sleezy man who is the eternal bachelor. Jaws cannot commit to one person and basically preys on unsuspecting women.

The Eternal Bachelor. The man who will take a woman out, show her a great time then do the same the next night with someone else. Why is it that it is so hard do people to commit to one another these days? Why are we so greedy that we can't just enjoy one person? It seems to me that more and more we feel that committing to someone is the end of everything we know. We feel that being tied to one person we can't have "fun" anymore. Granted you can't go around with whoever you want but if you truly like someone then why not try?

Somehow, through it all, we've began to expect a lightning bolt to strike us and tell us this is it. It can be something wonderful but maybe we have to give it time to grow. Then maybe the Eternal Bachelor might have to hang up his hat.

Something Better

As I speak to my friends and look back on my own experiences I find a trend starting to form in the men of today. A very unsettling trend... ladies and gentlemen, step right up and meet Mr. Always Looking for Something Better. Who is this man you might ask? He is the man who seems to always have a good looking girl on his arm, the man who is quite charming, the man who has far too many female friends.

While he is always attached to a beautiful girlfriend he is never quite satisfied. Around her he is the perfect boyfriend, doing everything he is supposed to do. However, once she is no longer lurking around the perfect boyfriend turns into someone I doubt she would feel the same about. You see him flirting with all the girls, make friends with them at the drop of a hat. He has that one girl he tries to impress the most, perhaps his next victim for when he is facing single life again.

I've begun to wonder, is he just Mr. Serial-Dater or is he trying to get to his ideal woman by dating the almost-ideal ones. I have two different views on this matter. Case one: He is head over heels for someone that he can't have. For various reasons, distance, timing, lack of attraction from both sides. Whatever the case may be she is unattainable to him therefore, he dates beautiful women one after the other and is constantly looking to meet new women, to see if maybe he finds someone who comes close to the one person he can't have. Case two: with all the distractions we face today and the way society has created a "disposable" view on relationships, people don't seem to be in them for the long-haul. Media constantly pounds us with stories of infidelity and why someone isn't right for us because they do not behave the way society says they should in a relationship.

It seems to me in a world where relationships seem to have lost some of the everlasting power they once had, we constantly expect that there is something better out there. Maybe sometimes we need to stop and appreciate what it is we have in front of us. If we are constantly looking for more, for better, we lose sight of what may already be there waiting for us to realize that maybe it doesn't get any better than what we already have. We need to learn to accept what we have and appreciate the person who cares for us even when we turn a blind eye to them as we continue to search for the unrealistic ideal we have built up in our minds.

If we are lucky enough to have someone by our side who cares about us and loves us, then they deserve the same in return and if we can't provide that then we have no business stringing them along so that we don't have to be alone, in the end that is what it boils down to. As scary as the thought can be sometimes it is better to be alone than to be leaving a path of broken hearts in our wake as we look for Something Better.

The Ex-Factor

When do you close the door on a past relationship and how do you do it? This seems to be the question that seems to be on the minds of those closest to me, including me. It seems no matter how hard we try to keep the past in the past it always manages to jump right up in front of us when we feel like we have finally put it to rest. Sometimes its a great love or a first love or even just that first man who gave us those butterflies. Whatever it was that he was to us always seems to make him the hardest to forget.

I would say the first love and the great love are the hardest to put away. After four years of on-again-off-again heartbreak, Ireland(first "love"), managed to always get back into my head. Somehow, I feel after four years I have finally managed to put Ireland to rest. How did I manage that? I found the Great Love. We'll call him... Mr. Darcy. Not one who made it easy to love nevertheless it was him. In the whirlwind romance that it was, although it took months to get there, it made Ireland a thing of the past. However, as quickly as Mr. Darcy entered my life he exited, in the time it took to write a two sentence e-mail. It was as if I felt all the air being sucked out of me all at once. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Apparently, my great love was not Mr. Darcy's great love.

After a few months of the demise of the relationship between Mr. Darcy and I, I found myself with Ireland for the final time. Things were different this time. After having experienced the great love that was Mr. Darcy, those same feelings I had for Ireland had changed, the feelings that had me going back over and over for more heartache were gone. I had changed and somehow it felt as if he hadn't. That is when I knew that door was ready to be shut for good. As for Mr. Darcy, the pain still remains but only with time will it ever truly go away. It is for the better that I quietly shut his door as well, as much as it hurts to know it will never be again I know that if it were meant to be it would be.

So while I sit here with neither my first love or my great love I know it is for the good of my soul. The ex-factor is not one to dwell on. Why look to the past for something we no longer have? If we keep looking back we don't see what is in front of us and that is where we miss out. To all of you trying to come to terms with your ex-factor just remember there is a reason why they are. To continue to look back or to find yourself trying to keep them around because there is no one else is only hurting you in the end. One day they will find someone else and if you have been looking back using them as a crutch you are going to fall. Without them to lean on, in the end it will hurt more, to know you were standing still while everyone else was moving on ahead without you.

With the ex-factor in the past, can we ever truly keep our sights set forward again? Or will our head be slightly tilted looking out in our peripheral view every once in a while?

Hiding Mr. Right

So where do I begin. After only a few years in the "dating game" I have been dubbed by my friends as somewhat of an expert in the area. I suppose when you go on enough bad (and some good) dates as I do then expert is what you become. I guess you can call this "Sex and the City" of a real girl, living the single life in Toronto.

There are so many stories to tell, loves lost, loves found, the good, the bad and the extremely ugly. Stories of those around me who shape my life everyday. My friends, those who I wouldn't quite be the same without.

With all the single men out there you would think there would be at least one good one somewhere, but where is he hiding? I feel like I've looked everywhere but to this day he still eludes me. When times feel desperate I remember all those failed attempts where a seemingly good guy turns out to be a nightmare on a date. It's those shudders down my spine that remind me that maybe Mr. Right should stay Mr. Hidden for now! I'll leave you with an example on this one.

Man under the magnifying glass: Saint Britain. A charming man with all the right superficial qualities. Good looks, good job, great English accent. So St. Britain seems like a nice enough, charming man, so after a quick chat at an event I accept his invitation to meet for drinks. The minute we meet up to go to the pub for drinks St. Britain turns into, well, not quite a Saint. Uninterested in everything I had to say, even though he asked the questions, and zero eye contact. The night couldn't have ended soon enough! He decides to walk me home however halfway to the main door of the building he gives the official "I'll call you" end-of-the-date line and turns to leave so fast I thought maybe his shoes were on fire! At the end of it all he still had the audacity to ask me out yet again.

I can't help but wonder, is this what the city has to offer? It's been said many times, dating in the city is not easy, but we have to make it fun! So you go on a few dates with men like St. Britain...there are many out there, trust me I know! At the end of the day what matters is that you don't let the small stuff get to you and that you have great friends to laugh about it with. Then I look to my friends like Mr. Fabulous who has it figured out, he snagged the man, the perfect man. I know there is the perfect man for me out there somewhere, but for now the anticipation will do. As Mr. Fabulous says, "Babe, you are young, enjoy life!" and that is exactly what I will do. Along the way I will keep playing this "dating game" for your entertainment and mine.

Until next time I will leave you with a quote, care of Mr. Fabulous:

"There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that's just fabulous'!"- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City